Under the Curve

So today, Miss Ella is four months old. She weighed in at 8lbs 14oz.

Yes, my four-month-old baby is smaller than most babies at their one-month checkup and even smaller than some babies at birth! She's petite and always has been. I never worried too much about it because Nolan was always low on the growing curve. (This is the curve babies are compared to other babies at their age and growth rate.) He always hovered around the 5th to 10th percentile, and look at Nolan now, a very happy, healthy mischievous toddler.

Well, Ella followed in Nolan's trend as a baby, too. Okay, so I have small, petite babies. (She weighed 5lbs 13oz at birth at full term.) Well, as of today, she's officially dropped off the growing curve. The lowest on the curve is pretty much the 5th percentile, which our pediatrician never worried about our kids maintaining that level as long as they continued to make some weight gain in the right direction.

Today, our pediatrician seemed alarmed, with good cause. There are remedies to our situation. Knowing that I nurse Ella exclusively, she told me I could increase my feedings during the day and wake her up during the night to feed her, too. (What the heck? I work hard to teach my kids how and when to sleep! Babywise!! Don't get me wrong, I'll do whatever she needs, though.)

Option 2: Supplement her feedings. I know, I know...it's not the end of the world. I went through this with Nolan at this age, too, so I've been there before, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I have been able to provide for my baby for four months without outside help, so it's hard for me to accept that I can no longer do it on my own, with Ella's best interest in mind. Trust me, I know that formula is better quality now than it was years ago, with DHA and ARA and all, but it's still different. It's just making peace with the situation and going forward that's the hard part. Once I do it, I know I'll be fine, just as I was when I hit this point with Nolan.

Honestly, I've always questioned my supply, but don't all nursing moms? In light of that, Craig and I feel that supplementing her feedings is the best choice for her. Therefore, tonight was Ella's first taste of formula. She loved it and gobbled up about two ounces the first time we gave it to her. Nolan, the loving and helpful brother he is, wanted to help. So sweet!

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful and proud of the fact that I've been able to nurse my babies as long as I have. In addition, I'm grateful to have been given the choice to nurse, unlike adoptive moms or dangerous birth reasons, which aren't conducive to nursing, or mother/baby illnesses. I'm just sad that I can no longer provide all that my daughter needs. Although the introduction to formula doesn't mean I'm done nursing her, it's a step in that direction, and I wasn't quite ready for it.

I never dreamed it would be as hard for me as it was when I had to supplement Nolan, but it is! Just because you've been there, done that, doesn't make it less painful or easier. There's a special bond to be able to nurse your baby, and I love those special moments!

I'm hurt tonight, but that will soon fade, and I'll have other mommy issues to deal with. Motherhood is such an amazing adventure of love and emotions that can never be adequately described with words, just love! With all the ups and downs, all the crazy days I want to pull my hair out, there are so many more reasons I love my job as Mom!!!